Ted Strikers' Current Situation.
Brothers, Sisters, Friends, lovers, enemies, and anyone who’s ever woken up somewhere in the tri-state area wondering why they smell like tequila and regret — the kind of regret commonly caused by Ted Striker’s Four Pillars of Instruction: Fear, Intimidation, and Ridicule (he never could remember the fourth one) I come to you with grave news: Ted Striker’s current situation is not stable.
In fact, I’ve been asked to start drafting his eulogy. (The doctors said, “He’s hanging by a thread,” and our brother Ted wondered whether that thread came in leather.). However, the doctors did mention that positive energy directed toward Ted could make a difference in his recovery so please, think good thoughts, light a candle, or whisper something appropriate or not in his general direction. It all helps.
So — before this 900LX EASY nosedives into the Hudson of eternity, and he has practiced this a bunch in the simulator both at work and at home I’m asking you, his friends, to share your most sacred, filthy, or otherwise incriminating stories of Ted Striker. The world must remember the man who once described himself as a missionary of poor choices and bad decisions.
Some stories that have been previously shared are truly miracles
The First Miracle:
"Ted Striker once begged me, and I mean publicly pleaded to take his wife on a date in New York City “so that she knows what passion feels like.” So naturally, I obliged. We hit a rooftop in SoHo where the oysters were cold, the martinis were freezing, and the conversation was so hot that the FDNY showed up uninvited. She and I danced under a neon sign that read “Sin Gently,” and Ted Striker? He was outside, tied to a fire hydrant by three midgets wearing latex suits, cheering like a proud dad at a Little League game. When we came out at sunrise, he nodded and said, “She needed that.” A man of generosity… and confusion."
The Second Miracle:
"The first time I met Ted Striker, my dog walked right up to him. It was love at first sight. He bent down and whispered something to her, and from that day on, she never walked the same again. I took her to the vet, and the diagnosis was “Ted Striker Syndrome.” It’s rare and contagious and mostly affects Labradors and the San Francisco "Bear" scene."
The Third Miracle:
There was that one time Ted Striker tried to “bring people together” at what he called a spiritual retreat. The guest list included three very enthusiastic Russian hookers, a suspiciously industrial-looking sling, and a tub of baby oil so large that OSHA had to get involved. To this day, Ted Striker purchases more baby oil than Diddy and that’s saying something. I can’t share all the details (being bound by the cloth), but let’s say Ted Striker redefined “laying hands on the congregation.” Even the alter puppies needed conversion therapy after overhearing his confession.
Proverbs 26:11:
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.”
Tell me that’s not Ted in verse form. A man reborn every weekend, forever circling approaches at JFK, with that dumb look on his face, smiling, unrepentant, hairy and somehow still shirtless.
So, as I light a candle (and probably some sage, because the energy around Ted Striker’s life choices is unclean), I invite you all to tell your Ted Striker stories below. Make them wild, weird, and worthy of the man who thought “safe word” was a suggestion. Let's see if remembering his legacy helps his recovery.
May his windshear be set to mild,
Deacon Cody James
Amen!